August 28th, 2010
“Can I Get to Know You?”
I met a gentleman at a gas station about three months ago.
He liked what he saw because he approached and asked:
“Excuse me miss, are you spoken for?”
I rolled my eyes, hesitated, then replied:
“Not really…”
That was a lie. The answer should have been a flat out “NO.”
His reply to my reply: “Well, can I get to know you?”
That was his question which led to my hesitant yes, which led him to give me a business card with his cell number, which led me to call him a few days later. And all of our interactions since our gas pump encounter has been predicated on the important question,
“Can I get to know you?”
Our dinner dates, phone chats, text messages and emails are directed by the question.
And that question is what I must remember when I get upset if he doesn’t behave “like I think any good man should” during this phase. And I usually need to keep my wits about myself during those moments when he says “Oh, I’ll call you back after I take this call…” or “after I watch this game,”
or “Oh, I’ll call you in the morning,” or “after I get settled in,” and for whatever reason unbeknownst to me, he doesn’t call.
I have to remember… instead of getting upset and grumbling “He don’t even keep his promises. What kinda man is this? He-a- dog, I bet he is seeing somebody else.” I then remind myself that, he COULD be seeing someone else, which would be his perrogative. It’s not as if he asked, “Baby, will you be my girlfriend,” or, “Will you be my wife.”
Not even.
All of our interactions are based on the question: “Can I get to know you?”
Simple and plain.
So that means I will try hard not judge this man and banish him to the isle of dogs just because he doesn’t call me back when he says he will. That factoid, however, does tell me something about him, helps me get to know him… And it’s evidence that he doesn’t keep small promises, and a red flag that he might not keep larger ones. Not at a make or break point just yet… But it’s something to observe. If this keeps up, I’ll likely lose interest. If it stops, I’ll likely continue getting to know him.
His “Can I get to know you” also means learning how he responds when all is right with the world, and when it is wrong. When life is pitchy and bounces us both around. When cars break down, when dental crowns are needed… When money is abundant and tight. It means probing and asking questions… and learning his moods and states and when it is unproductive to probe and “get up in his business,” as well as the best moments for two-way vulnerable conversation.
It means discussing those things that irk my nerves and make me shake my head and say “ugh, men…” And it means listening to him “tell me about myself.” Things that bother him… Things I don’t think would annoy any normal human, accepting that they annoy him, and looking inward to make changes. This means learning, navigating and confronting his bothersome habits (like not returning promised calls) through mature dialogue.
“I know you fell asleep and I understand that you were tired… I’m just saying that from my perspective, promising something as small as a phone call and not delivering isn’t helping me trust you.” It means him returning calls because he “wants to be a man of my word.” It means him recognizing how much keeping his word in the small things means to me and making the adjustment… Whether or not he felt it was a big deal before I shared my feelings. It means telling the truth, with kindness.
It also means getting to know how he handles conflict, revisiting how I handle conflict, and learning to handle our conflicts lovingly… How can commitment to handling disagreements with tact and love hurt? I say it won’t, even if we never fall in love.
If the mission is accepted (and it has been), “Can I get to know you” can be a beautiful invitation to be schooled… about him and about the woman in my mirror.
Next: The Rules of “Can I get to know…?”
